What s up with that?
by monkiimax
Summary: I wanted to think I was okay. You know, I wanted them to make me feel like I was alright. Even though I wasn t okey at all.


I sat in front of the girls with my head low. I felt so ashamed that I couldn´t look at them in the eye. They had warned me. They told me Jessie was bad, but stupid I had to go and sleep with him. Sleep with the enemy. Well, technically I was forced to sleep with the enemy but that wasn´t the main point. The main point was that I had betrayed my team.

"Girl, what is the worst thing you have ever made?" I asked them a little bit insecure.

Quinn looked around like if she was saying '_It is kind of obvious'. _Santana laughed, she knew plenty of bad stuff she had made but she didn´t regret any of it. Mercedes and Tina exchanged looks a little bit uncomfortable with the question. Brittany just ignored me.

"What did you do drag queen?" asked me Santana with her normal sarcastic tone of voice. I gulped and looked down ashamed. I knew I had to tell someone. I am a bad secret keeper; even with my own secrets.

"I had sex with Jessie last night." I admitted. Everyone gasped in shock. Even Brittany was paying attention to me.

"And how is he? I mean, in bed."

I turned around to see Santana directly in the eyes. She had a really dirty and naughty mind. I was about to tell her I refused to answer the question when something hit me. I also had a question to her. Maybe I could kill two birds with only one shot.

"That is something I needed to ask you." I said as I started bouncing myself back and ford. I am not that open in that kind of matters so I was kind of embarrassed to ask for such things. "Does the first time always hurt?"

Santana thought about it for a moment. I imagine she doesn´t even remember her first time. Quinn was the one that answered me.

"Kind of. But if the guy makes it pleasant it not so bad. I mean, it was really painful for you?" her voice was full of concern. I groaned. Yeah, it had hurt and very much.

"I think at the beginning but when I finally gave up I think it wasn´t that bad."

The room kept silent. Did I said something wrong?

"What do you mean you gave up?" Mercedes stood up from her place and walked over me.

"Did he force you?" that was the first time Tina said anything in the entire conversation.

"I wouldn't say that." Damn it, I was starting sweating. I was nervous. This was a bad idea after all. "I mean, yes at first I didn´t want this to happen but then I relaxed and it was pretty decent."

Jessie was kind of an expert. Even when I put some resistance he was able to take my shirt off and pull my jeans down.

"Did you want to have sex?" Quinn asked me sounding more angry than concerned. "Yes or no?"

Everyone turned around to see me. I felt cornered. Did I want to have sex that night? Was I prepared? Did I enjoy it?

"No."

Quinn leaned over me and offered me a killer look. I shivered. That was the kind of look Jessie gave me when I said I didn´t want to have sex. "Then it is not called sex, he raped you."

I gasped for air. Suddenly I wanted to cry. Deep inside me I knew that what he had done with me hadn´t been right. I wanted to deny it. I thought it would be easier. I mean, one moment I was making out with Jessie and in the other he was trying to open my shirt. I was scared at the moment. I was terrified.

"But we are boyfriend and girlfriend. That is what couples should do." I wasn´t sure who I was trying to convince; me or the girls.

"That does not matter. You didn´t want it, you said no and he had no right to force you." Said Mercedes as she touched me shoulder. I looked over and I bit my lip. I was trying to hold the tears.

"We were kissing on my bed. I think he misunderstood the signs." I tried to defend him.

"We told you Berry! How may time we did tell you?" Screamed at me Santana

"You are nuts!" Quinn´s voice was mixed up with Santanas´ screams.

"How can you act like if it was okay?" Tina tried to raise her voice volume but I could hardly hear her with everyone else yelling at me.

"You need to tell on him!" urged me Mercedes.

Suddenly I was crying. I was still looking up but I was sobbing and shaking. The last thing I wanted was people screaming at me. I wanted someone to tell me that is was okay. That I was okay.

"Guys, I think you should keep it down." The screams stopped. "Rachel is crying now."


End file.
